"I have been laid off," "They pink slipped me," "The company went through a restructure and I was not part of their future vision - but I received a decent severance," these are all things I have heard many times before. Solemn faces reporting what has happened to them, why they were filling their new free days with "Gilmore Girls" reruns (just me?), crafting an awesome Twitter feed, and spending way too many hours on Buzzfeed. Victims of the economy, restructure and plain casualty of the work place.
"I'm taking some time to think about my next move, what I really want to do with my life," "I am going back to school," "I am starting my own business," were all responses to what was next. I always felt sad for these folks, their responses clearly said so many times that all real emotion was bereft from their words - but also a little jealous. Dude, where is the excitement? We all say we want summers like when we were younger and now you got one! I never thought I would be one of those people, and I never thought I would dread all the time off. It is certainly a situation you can't fully understand until you are unwillingly thrust into it.
I probably don't have to tell you that being laid of sucks. Plain and simple. It never crossed my mind that it would be like mourning a family member you weren't sure whether or not you liked. Sure you got something awesome out of it, a few extra bucks or some good off color jokes about immigrants, other than that you felt you could take or leave it - but it would always be you doing the taking or leaving. You do not realize, at least I didn't, that it will be heart breaking, make you question your value, and is the most clear cut way to say you are no longer part of the cool club.
I have felt so many emotions over the last year, but the biggest one after full on drop kicking my positivity across the football field into a lake of boiling lava, has been depression, uncertainty and a complete lack of self confidence. This was totally derailing because I have always been a pretty confident person, putting my mind to something and getting what I wanted. Regardless of the fact that everyone I had previously worked with told me repeatedly that my work was solid, I was a great employee, amazing to work with, and that I was really just a painful casualty of business, I felt like a failure. This feeling has been compounded repeatedly by sending out endless resumes, putting myself out there, making phone calls and hearing nothing. There is no way you do not begin to question whether you were ever even a tiny bit good at what you did.
It has driven home to me how homogenized and one dimensional HR divisions and companies have made potential hires. How can I get anywhere if you don't EVER see me in person, face to face? Even if it is simply so that I can ask if you are hiring. People, in general, don't want things to be messy. If they don't see you they can't feel bad or responsible about not hiring you, and they don't have to deal with your feelings regarding not being hired. This is all fine and good, they themselves are not at all responsible for my situation, but I guess I am tired of superficial bullshit. I have to agree with Meg Ryan's Kathleen Kelly from one of my all time favorite movies You've Got Mail, "And what's so wrong with being personal anyway? Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal." Personal and messy and wonderful, that is what I want. I am not an 8.5x11 piece of card stock typed in Times New Roman 12 point, responsible for writing patents and maintaining a Facebook page. I am a witty, funny, delightfully weird, warm, friendly person who likes words, writing and pop culture. And Starbucks. These things alone won't land me a job, no. But combine those things with a resume and I think I am an excellent addition to any work environment.
All of this being said, and all of this being true, it may appear that many things have been out of my control. At least when it comes to being hired somewhere, this is true. However, there are some things I still have control over and I have neglected them. Not on purpose, but depression darkens and blurs things and you forget what it felt like to be the person you were.
There have definitely been a few dark months in my last year. I have cried more than I care to admit, endured enough stress induced migraines for a lifetime, spent a lot of time wallowing (A LOT), and I have slept way more than a happy person should, but things are starting to look better and I feel more "me" than I have in a very long while. I am doing some ghost writing for an amazing woman who deserves her own blog post because she is exceptional and has really shifted my life over the past three months. I started seeing a therapist which has been life changing in ways I did not expect. I have applied to grad school to earn my single subject credential in English with a masters in Language and Literacy with the intent to teach high school students, and I am now looking forward to whatever comes next. I have no idea what that is, but I feel electric about it.
Solari, out.
